Moving.

Howdy,

I have moved to Chopsguide.com 

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Chop for President!: All the time and hard work I put in just to get Assassinated.

Welcome to election season. Hate is in the air, and I am as guilty as everyone else. I am perpetually disgusted by politicians and, in general, I think we as a people can do much better.

Barack Obamao  is an embarrassment and a failure at almost everything he does. Well, I am sure that he is succeeding in his true mission, be it from Allah or Karl Marx but as for serving the people of the USSM, well... he has certainly made it easier for me to call it the USSM... him and morons who seem to like him.

Killary Clinton is a murderous, treasonous hag who's family body count is so high that it has gone from murder and become statistics. She is a truly horrible person even if she didn't deserve to be hung by the neck until dead, dead, dead. Just take 5 minutes to look into how she treats the people who devote their lives to protecting that cunt. If I was secret service and I got put on her detail, I would have to quit or be incarcerated for making her bite a curb.

Breadline Bernie "The Economic Illiterate" Sanders just needs to move to a socialist utopia and take all the asshats that believe they are entitled to my labors with him. It is sickening that our greatest generation fought a socialist 4167 miles away (D.C. to Berlin) only to end up having their idiot kids and grandkids suck the dick of a socialist here. And to all the twat-waffles that argue that this moron is a democratic socialist... like there is a difference... there isn't. One of my favorite quotes is by a guy named Jonah Goldberg, it is something that he asks Statists/Liberals/Progressives/Socialists/Fascists/Communists (different words, essentially the same thing)... The quote is:

Except for the murder, bigotry, and genocide, what is it, exactly, about Nazism that you don't like?

Donald Trump is hated by many and is honestly not my number one pick (my number one pick is Calvin Coolidge if anyone wondered). I like what Donald Trump says but I do not trust him... would I take them over the gaggle of bastards I have previously named... fuck yes, I'd rather take the possibility of him telling the truth than the knowledge that the other three are.
I do have to say that I am sick of people calling him racist, you bunch of dumb fucks calling everything you disagree with racist makes everyone blind to actual acts of racism... maybe read about Chicken Little or Peter and the Wolf... bunch of Cockbiting Fucktards.

Ted Cruz was, among the last one standing one of my favorite possible candidates... He isn't Calvin Coolidge or a proper Constitutionalist Libertarian but he would do for a Republican... since we live in a world of two party sheep. But lately, I have been hearing about some dumb shit he is trying to pull which is killing him for me.

I liked Ben Carson although he was soft-spoken, he had some decent ideas as did Herman Cain before him.

The three Libertarian Candidates running (Austin Petersen, (my top pick), Gary Johnson and John McAfee) is where everyone should be looking to place their vote but, as I said before, two-party sheep.

with all this being said...

I would like to throw my name in the hat and we will go through the reasons why you should vote for me.

I am beholden to no man... or in the words of Cartman I do what I want!

Now I guess that statement is not completely true in the fact that if it doesn't follow the constitution or freedom in general, I am not down for it.

I will go through things that are hot-button issues in our country today and some not so much to explain my take on them.

Drugs: I do not care about drugs. I do not give a fuck if you want to inject heroin into your testicles, so long as you hurt no one else in the quest for your shitty life, who am I to judge. But the second you hurt anyone or endanger someone else's life, the gloves come off. The jail sentences you have now will be a cake walk.

Prostitution: I think anyone should be able to fuck anyone they would like so long as both parties consent to it. I don't care if money is exchanged. With that being said, if this is the profession someone chooses, they will get checked out every two weeks, Las Vegas would be the standard for the country in registered prostitution unless a better standard was found.

Same-Sex Marriage: I am against Same- Sex Marriage. I am against standard marriage. I am against any marriage that the government takes part in. The government should have no role in marriage. Marriage is between two people and their God. This should be a non-issue.

Education: The education system like most things should go back to states rights and the Department of Education should be abolished. We as Americans spend more per child than almost any country (5th in the world) and we get very little return on investment. Our children seem to continually fall behind the rest of the world because anything the government runs is run poorly. As for all the people spouting off that they should get free education, nothing is free. I paid my way through college and so should you. I believe that colleges charge FAR too much for their services they provide, being the liberal echo chambers they are and as they are no longer bastions of free thought that they once were.

Healthcare: For all the proponents of free healthcare, you probably won't like me much. You see, I am not a fan of Slavery. What does free healthcare have to do with slavery, you ask? Well, you see... the basis of the argument for free healthcare is predicated on the fact that you think you are entitled to someone else's labor, for free. What do we call that, children?! THATS RIGHT, SLAVERY!. I believe that there needs to be some serious changes to the healthcare system to make it more affordable and better for everyone but free healthcare is not the answer. Despite what Obama continually said during the health care debates, there were SEVERAL other options brought forth for health care reform but Obama had an agenda to bring the most convoluted one to the table and didn't even try to find other options. A large portion of those other plans was less than 100 pages long, every politician could have read that before voting on it... unlike the Pelosi method of passing bullshit before you read it.

IRS: The IRS should be abolished as should every tax other than a sales tax. you get 100% of your paycheck, (like it was prior to 1913 when we had that cocksucker Woodrow Wilson who implemented the income tax). and only pay taxes on the money you spend. There are no longer any tax incentives nor are you punished every year if you don't pay in enough. There is no threat of government violence if you don't do your taxes because they are already done.

Federal Reserve: The Federal Reserve should be shut down, our money should go back to the gold standard. For those who don't know, the gold standard is how we used to back our money prior to Tricky Dick Nixon, money was backed by gold, so every dollar we produced had an equal amount of gold to back it. Woodrow Wilson brought forth the Federal Reserve and FDR saw a law pass that forced citizens to turn their gold over to the federal government... so, once again fuck you Woodrow Wilson and add a dash of fuck you FDR and Richard Nixon also.

Immigration: I LOVE immigration. It makes me happy. I love meeting new and interesting foreign people from all walks of life. I tend to enjoy them more than Americans, honestly. I HATE illegal immigration. or whatever bullshit PC undocumented democrat term people want to use to gloss over the fact that they are here illegally. Yes, we were all illegal at some point in our history, blah, blah, blah. There were no laws set up then and there are now. People coming here illegally spit in the faces of all the people who have saved and spent time and effort doing it the correct way. The whole process should be revamped. You should have to pass a Constitution test, have a decent understanding of English and be able to prove you can have whole conversations in English and pass a rigorous background check. There should be no waiting decades and paying the government thousands and thousands of dollars to become a citizen. Another fast track way would be to join the military. You still have to pass everything but less time and no money. INS is one of the very few agencies that I can see operating at a federal level.

Gun Control: Not only does every citizen have the right to bear arms, they should take advantage of it. Background checks are a great thing because people who are lunatics shouldn't be able to have a gun... so anyone on the left should have a very stringent background check performed because almost every single mass shooting of this generation has been performed by someone who identified as a leftist, much to the dismay of the media and all the anti-gun statists. The American people should be able to get their hands on anything the military uses also, if they have the means to purchase it, and I mean anything.

Abortion: Babies, unborn or not should have all the rights that any citizen has. In certain situations, I can understand the possibility of abortion but for the most part, it is unwarranted. The reason I say this is because no one has to have sex. It is almost always a choice and in choosing to do so, you should accept the consequences of your actions. On the same note, the act of adopting a child should be made much easier and there should be no incentives to being a foster parent.

Budget: The federal government should cut almost all funding to everything. The size of the government should be reduced drastically. There are 545 members of the federal government, there should be no more than quadruple that number to make the government function in the very few things the federal government should be doing. The size and scope of all the three letter agencies should be diminished, many to the point of no longer existing. If states determine they should exist, then they should exist in those states and not federally.

Crime: Well, we have just knocked out some of the crime, not incarcerating people who are in possession of drugs but all in all, heinous crimes should have a much worse punishment. More death penalty, longer sentences. Death Penalty would also equate to you only having one month to set your affairs in order before your end comes.

Energy: Every energy we utilize has downfalls. My personal favorite energy is Nuclear Energy, if run properly, it is either the cleanest or most productive energy we have. Solar may be cleaner but unless we use it on a far larger scale, like the solar road program, it will not match the power of a single nuclear plant for output. Wind energy, though a good idea, kills tons of birds and are down a large portion of the time. Oil is a superb, abundant energy source and with hydraulic fracturing, has a small footprint compared to 50 years ago.

Environment: Global Cooling.. OOPS!... Global Warming... OOPS! Climate Change!... This whole thing is a bullshit scheme for the government to steal more money. Now, do I think people should try to do what they can to not trash the planet, of course. But there should not be a federal presence in this.

National Security: As Ben Franklin said, those who will give up a little liberty for security deserve neither. I understand fully that there are threats to the USSM but most of the precautions we take are due to made up threats. Take the TSA for example... they have, to date, caught 0 terrorists but by God you will not get on that plane with a full bottle of water (even though for it being a possible explosive they keep in a box near them). Most of the things we are told we need national security for, we don't need national security for.

Social Security: Anyone 30 to 40 gets to opt out of Social Security if they so choose, anyone under 30 is cut out of Social Security altogether, They don't get anything back but they no longer have to pay in. Once the people who did not opt out die, Social Security will no longer exist. You can use that money however you wish but the federal government is not taking care of you. If states or municipalities decide to start up a program, do so.

States Rights: Everything outside of printing currency, upholding the constitution, keeping citizens from being attacked by any enemy should fall under states rights.

Welfare: Welfare should not be a federal issue. It should fall to the states. With that said, if anyone is to receive welfare, they not only have to be drug tested but they have to work for their money if they are physically capable to do so. And if there is a minimum wage, which there should not be, they will work for the minimum wage with no chance of a raise.

If there is anything else you would like to know my views on to becoming your next president, please let me know, below.

And seriously, I highly recommend taking the tests at Project Vote Smart and I Side With, Vote Smart has always been my goto site but I Side With is a lot more in depth and gets away from the two party bullshit.

Chop's Test Results:

Vote Smart: Ted Cruz

I Side With: Austin Petersen

I prefer Petersen, do not be afraid to vote third party.

All Apologies and what I have been up to and worried about.

Howdy,

My very first Travel Guide

I apologize for the amount I have been slacking lately on here... I wouldn't want to let all my reader down.

I have been working on several things recently in order to get myself overseas and have honestly slacked a lot on here because I feel like I don't have a lot to say on the moving front nor have I come up with any new embarrassing stories of bad dates and whatnot.

I have started writing books in order to not only help me have passive income when I move but also, hopefully, to help people out.

The first travel guide I have written came out one month ago today and I am also helping some other people promote their books.

My brother and I have been working on my motorcycle for a trip to Poplar Bluff, Missouri later this month and I have been trying to liquidate almost everything I own through Operation: Sell all my shit for travel money.

Slow Cookers make me happy

I am no longer the owner of Patriot Gun & Outfitters, which kind of bums me out. Patriot Gun & Outfitters also no longer exists, which bums me out more. Even though I wasn't going to be at the helm, I held hope for longer than I should have that someone was going to fork over the money to buy us out and keep the shop open. Sadly, though we had several interested parties, the only person to come off with any money was the guy who only wanted to buy the inventory. That is unfortunate but it also makes me happy because it is one less thing I have to worry about and also, the pure joy of not working 16 hours a day is pretty amazing. We may reopen on a small scale from the house and possibly sell some things online but it will not have scheduled hours. MOAZ Tee's has toppled in my mind also, I am just tired of trying to get something going on that front, I feel it was just one more thing I wasted money on that I could have used for more profitable means. The shop was the primary thing that helped me realize what I had always known but never truly acted upon, that all I have ever wanted to do was travel and worrying myself to the point of feeling like I was going to die soon really jumpstarted me into trying to work on a means of income. I am a LONG way from where I want to be but at least I have started trying.

Unfortunately, we did not sell the shop for as much as I was hoping, so my very hopeful plan of skipping out of the states and maybe getting laid before the end of this year kind of died on me. I am however pushing for the goal of being overseas by this time next year and away from the dumb games, enjoying life more.

I have been pushing pretty hard to sell these books and get some quality reviews which is kind of a pain in the ass but I really like doing travel guides, so I hope that this will pay off in the long run. If I can average sales of $1000 per month I can live very well in much of SE Asia and once I am to that point, I can free up my time to work on other projects, I will be able to start building up my monthly income to the point of being able to live in a larger portion of the world (Europe, South America, Central Asia).

Interested since Iraq about HCG

My goal is to spend 6 months to a year in every place I go, so I can really get a lot of useful info into the travel guides, which comes second to the fact that I just really like seeing and experiencing new things.

With this change in plans for my move, I may have to start looking
into a new line of income to help me save for the trip. I like what I do but using it to save money is a near impossibility unless I want to live on ramen noodles and do nothing at all for the next year.

I don't know what the future holds but I need it to help me get back overseas.

White Bankomat and How to Boost your Self Image for Around a Dollar a Day.

First off... isn't Bankomat such a cooler term than ATM? In Russia, they are all called Bankomats and I really liked it so I have tried to use that term ever since... it hasn't caught on in America yet... which is weird because I am popular as fuck (just ask my mom) and world renown for my knowledge of ATM... fuck, Bankomats...

I have been looking into my move to Southeast Asia for quite a while now and among the normal things people look for like Population, Internet Connection, Cost of living and whatnot, I have also been looking for women.

I am single, it is a new place, I haven't gotten laid for a while... several reasons to look for these things in the area I decide to move to. Maybe I can hit the ground running and maybe have someone I can take out on a date... or several women for different dates, depending on if I decide on a city or a province...

I have been talking to several nice girls who are kind and reserved and recently a few who are less reserved... which is nice in its own way. I don't mind either type but the less reserved are easier to talk to... I recently had one girl stroke out on me because I said she would like my beard... she didn't know what a beard was and assumed I was talking about my dick. I finally calmed her down through a long explanation. Talking to super reserved girls can be a bit tiring dancing around what I'm trying to say... even if it is completely harmless... which most of the time it is unless initiated by the other party... then it's on, the conversation gets all hot and awkward! Giggity.

I had been mostly talking to girls on OK Cupid. It is free for almost everything on the site which is awesome for cheap bastards such as myself. I haven't done too bad on OK Cupid, especially after changing my address to the Philippines so I could see Filipinas and they could see me. Some girls have asked me why I would change my address to the Philippines while I am still in America because then I can not see American girls... I have to explain to them that since I am planning on moving to The Philippines, why would I look for American girls, especially since pretty much anywhere in the world is easier to find girls you dig than the states... with maybe the exception of Israel... which makes my heart sad because good God IDF girls are just dreamy... sadly, they know that they are hotter than the sun and I haven't heard about the Israeli guys being as much of Cockbiting Fucktards as many Russian guys are. Don't get me wrong... I have some great Russian guy friends but when it comes to Russian guys, fuck men are from mars women are from venus... its more Russian Men are from Wal-Mart and Russian women are from Rodeo Drive. As for myself, I think of me as more a Target/JC Penney Big & Tall section... if they sold more t-shirts and had a deep self-hatred.

I am getting off the point... so I am talking to girls from OK Cupid and it is not going too badly but I have to do a lot of searching and writing which is fine but time-consuming. I do have a pretty good response rate though... especially if I compare it to results in the good old USSM (United Socialist States of Mediocrity). There are many girls in the states who are pretty amazing but for one reason or another nothing happens on those fronts, usually either I am in the friend-zone or I just don't dig them. I don't have a lot of time for girls in the states anyway with my work schedule but even when I didn't, the dry spells were frequent... on a pretty long one right now.

I have been searching for everything I can find related to my move,  I have been reading a lot of Blogs and my favorite one recently is Single Mans Paradise (NSFW... unless you can have nudity and talk of cream pies at your work... then by all means). The guy has had similar life experiences to me and his blog is funny and entertaining if you don't mind reading about loads of sexual content, which has never bothered me in the least. And, like me, he doesn't always want to hook up with hookers but rather the girls that like him for himself, somewhat. He is single and from the states which he refers to as Sexual Prison... and I can't really argue with his reasoning. He is always talking about how much luck he has with women on Asiandating.com a site that encompasses all of Asia which I am absolutely down for because I do not intend to stay forever in The Philippines.

The Asian Dating site is free to join but you have to pay to really be able to do anything besides show interest in people which immediately turned me off of the site but I figured I would try it out without paying in order to see if there was any interest in tubby, tattooed, bearded honkies.

Now, as we are talking about Asia... I will try to use some Asian terminology... if messages were water, I had fucking Typhoon Chopski hit my mailbox, I had 55 messages within the first 24 hours... I have been on some sites for YEARS without a single message I didn't initiate. This was a new experience for me... I thought to myself, "Self, this must be how ladies on these sites feel... getting pummeled by emails... interesting... and then I thought... surely this won't keep up.

It did.

When it got over 100 messages I decided to pay for the site in order to read what all these women are saying to me. So I pay and start reading all these messages. Much to my disappointment, I didn't get the female equivalent of dick pics in my inbox but the sheer numbers made me feel good. OK, so maybe it's not how women feel but it was certainly new for me.

I have been inundated with emails from very attractive girls all over Asia, it is awesome. Unfortunately a couple of them, a smaller number than I expected actually think of me as their caucasian bankomat. One experience caused me to write this today, Simply because under normal circumstances I wouldn't have replied to her and am not exactly sure why I did but it certainly made my day far better.

I was sitting at my shop today, hoping someone would hand me some money to buy this place. I could then really buckle down on my plans to get to Asia and since I joined this site, maybe actually have some real life dates. I will have to cut myself back on any kind of fun when I get there because my first order of business if earning enough money to be able to afford living there. I will have a small cushion to get myself through but I need to start earning money before or as soon as possible after I arrive. I would like to work on earning money now but both of my jobs, while offering a little free time are also full of interruptions every few minutes and not conducive to learning anything new. Now cutting down on fun is actually the wrong term, if I have any fun there I will have upped my fun quotient by a large margin... so maybe the correct way to say it is I can not allow myself too much fun when I arrive.

I am sitting in the shop, dicking off, reading up on moving and firing off emails to girls that I like so far and the pictureless girl writes me.

She says hi, I say Howdy.

She asks how my search is going, I tell her it is ok.

I tell her that her search may be better if she had, at least, one pic on her profile.

She asks me if she can add me on Skype and she will send me some pictures there.

I give her my Skype name and wait.

A few minutes later I got a notification that she wanted to talk on Skype. I accepted her. I said Howdy again and she immediately sends me a pic...

Good God, I love boy shorts.

Another pic right on the back of that one...

Dat hair doe... and what seems to be a lack of top.

Then she tries to call me and I answer the phone, not even thinking of it being a video call and I don't hear anything so I hang up.

Personally, I think she looks pretty hot and I tell her as much...


Then another pic... Lying on a couch, in boyshorts, topless playing with a necklace... looks good enough to eat...

I describe this pic rather than show it because I don't know what the policy on nudity is here and more importantly, that nudity is mine... fuck you, you're lucky you got to see the first two pictures...

She calls me again and I hit video and she looks even better than the pictures.

I thought I had hit the lottery...  she is in a lacey little red baby girl top and black panties

She looks really good.

Apparently she doesn't have a mic so the messages come start showing up:

Her: Can you see me, babe? (My thoughts: Fuck yes I can see you and seeing you is good... stop writing shit, it is covering up my view)

Her: I can make you cum (My thoughts: WOOHOO!... let me close this shop real quick-like)

Her: I can give you a good show babe ( My thoughts: I would like that... unfortunately, I'm not paying shit, this call will be over in a few seconds...)

Me: I would love that

Her: I can make you cum and do all that you wants, babe (My thoughts: wants... well she speaks better English than I do Tagalog... I mean.. that sounds nice)

Her: and I can promise to always be here for you (My thoughts: She is about to ask me for money... you will always be here till the money train dries up...)

Her: but I will ask u a lil help babe (My thoughts: Fuck... well there goes my good time... I wonder how much time she saved not writing out "you" or "little")

I didn't respond and then an amazing thing happened... she just started dancing around.

She pulled her boobs out of the baby doll top and played with them and kept dancing. She then runs her hands down her sides and rubs all over herself till her hands lightly touch around her pussy. Her hand disappears under her panties for a couple seconds making, at least one of us, happy to be alive.

That didn't last nearly long enough as her hand came back out. I am thinking, this has got to end now for sure... I still haven't said anything...

It didn't stop.

I am praying I don't get any customers as she starts playing with her panties... she uses them to rub her pussy and she slides her panties down some... pulls them back up, dances around a bit more and then takes them off... I am seeing her at a profile view right now... her ass is pretty nice in and out of her panties...

She is now naked except for the baby doll top that is still showing off a gorgeous rack with pretty pink/tan nipples that I did not expect as Filipinas tend to have tan/brown nipples, this girl is just full of surprises.

This gorgeous creature, who is making my day... shit, scratch that, my week, faces the camera and shows me every bit of her. This not responding shit is working to my advantage.

Then she throws caution completely to the wind and gets into my favorite position for a nice lass to be in. The view I would have right before she sits on my beard. It was a gorgeous site... I almost bought a plane ticket and said fuck the planning.

It made for a good day and a long ass blog post but finally, it was over.

She hung up just before 6 minutes of me being enthralled by this vision of beauty... who wanted to part me and my money.

The call stopped thus badgering for money began... I am white and, therefore, a Bankomat for certain girls.

I held on strong,  through all the amazing and possibly illegal things she offered me.

She told me she was from Cebu when I asked her while trying to steer her away from my bank account and actually have a conversation.

She was persistent, until finally I told her, "NO WOMAN, I WILL NOT PAY, I AM POOR!"

She says that I can visit her at her new house... I hear its nice...

Just kidding, I didn't give her any money but not for lack of trying. We still talk pretty often and outside of always needing money for something, she is a decent girl. Not exactly marrying material with the constant need for money (though she would still be cheaper than an American girl) but she may be fun to hang out with... maybe some 80's movies and chill. Cebu is, after all, certainly within my realm of possibility with me moving around overseas.

Since I began this post a few weeks ago, I have been hit up by other cam girls... some cute, some not so much but it is still a small portion of the emails that I get.

Treat yourself, make yourself feel good and join a primarily Asian dating site, sure, it is like opposite world compared to what you are used to but that is why it is nice.

Phones, Women and Cannibalism

Women of the world, when you accept going on a date with someone, please do that someone a favor and stay off your phone. This goes for guys too but this happens more often with the fairer sex in my experience.

I was prompted to write this story of misfortune based on a blog I read earlier today. He had a bad time with his date in Vietnam, This was my worst night in St. Pete due to a date.

My brother and I had just arrived in Saint Petersburg, Russia for the first time after a few days we had just spent in Moscow. We check into our single room in the Golden Garden Hotel. There was a cute girl at the counter checking us in and after getting scammed in the Moscow train station before the trip to St. Pete it certainly made, at least, the end of a pretty crap day a little better. Pretty girls have that effect. You are welcome for that pearl of knowledge, ladies.

St. Petersburg is, to date, my favorite city in the world. It has great architecture, gorgeous women, loads of things to see and do and gorgeous women.

We realized after the first night or so that getting a single room was a mistake. I realized it more than my brother as I am the less attractive, more shy of the two of us. He didn't have too many problems finding girls to touch him inappropriately in our single room while I was banished to sitting down in the lobby of our hotel. Neither of us knew the city very well by this point so I wasn't really into getting lost, at night, alone. He had to sit in the lobby too but not quite as often.

The glass half full of me spending several hours in the lobby of the hotel was that I was able to chat up the girl in the lobby that checked us in when we arrived. Her name is Анна (pronounced Anya) and she was cute, sweet and unable to run away... just the way I like 'em.

Anya and I got to learn quite a bit about one another and we kept in contact after I went back to Iraq. This is September 2006. The best parts of my life were 10 years ago... suck it... I am working on getting back and making new, fun memories.

My brother and I decided to go back to Russia on our next trip we were able to take from Iraq and that is exactly what we did. 14 February 2007. It was great, I had a hot girl I could date and touch inappropriately and when she had to go home, I would go to hang out with my brother at Golden Dolls. Golden Dolls is the superb Strip Club we found on our first trip and being the decent guys we are, we made a lot of friends there.

This trip we rented a 2 bedroom apartment so we had no lobby sitting. Our daily schedule was, for the most part, Wake up, see the city/go out on dates, end up at the club until it closed down at 0600, go have coffee and Tiramisu at the Kofe Hauz (Кофе Хауз) until 0800-0900 and go rack out at the apartment.

Anya would come over,  hang out, cuddle up, watch movies, sit on my beard... you know, the best things in life. We had a lot of fun in our little apartment, one of my brothers ladies came over and cooked us dinner since we had a full kitchen and all. Chris and I would be lazy and watch 24,  Supernatural and Russian Married With Children when we didn't want to go anywhere. Anya and I had fun with Nutella... Chris wasn't invited, I'm selfish, DON'T YOU JUDGE ME! It was a great time to be alive.

Until she tried to eat me.

I don't know if she was trying to turn me on, or cannibalism turned her on but she would bite the fuck out of me. This sweet, innocent girl who was originally scared of me due to my tattoos was trying to, in my mind, bite huge chunks out of me in an apparently sexual manner. It was bad, I was not able to have full use of my right arm for over a month after I got back from Iraq after this trip because she bit me so hard on the inside of my elbow.

I would have been horrified if I wasn't getting pissed that she kept trying to eat me after I told her to stop. I have never in my life come as close to smacking a chick in the head as when she was doing the job that ruined my arm. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and that shit hurt.

Would I do it again... fuck yes.

She was hot, I am lonely and I have become more ok with cannibalism over the years... I would just have to ask her to try to refrain from eating me. Rough biting and scratching, that's ok... making my body INOP for more than a day... not ok.

But then again, it has been a while and in the words of my buddy, J. Barnes... At this point, I'd probably fuck a beehive.

One night we walk to a Mexican place to have some dinner before we head back to the apartment to DVD and Chill. We walk in the door and the Maitre d' has us walk all the way to the back of the establishment to check our coats. We are then shown back to the front to be seated. It is a nice restaurant and I am just dying to see how well Mexican is done in Russia, life is good.

We order drinks, I am a lucky man about town with a pretty girl about to order what I assume will be a close approximation of Mexican food.

Her phone rings, she answers, it is her roommate who is currently in Paris on vacation.  She answers it and I am not bothered because she told me about the vacation and surely she will be off the phone soon. She gets all smiley and starts blasting off all excited in Russian. Now I know a little bit of Russian, I read a bit more but I sure as fuck don't know enough for two bestie girlfriends talking about vacations worth of Russian so I am completely lost and losing interest in this turn of events by every tick of the clock... And there were a LOT of ticks.

We order food... still on the phone

We get the food... still on the phone

I am eating the food, hating life and thinking for the first time in my life about walking out on the date... still on the phone. I wonder if I could just leave her there on the phone and head back to the apartment or hit up the club.

I don't even remember if the food was good at this place, I was too livid to notice because I was paying for two but eating alone.

She finally finishes the food while I am thinking about how cold it is and if I really need that coat... still on the phone

She wants dessert... still on the phone... fuck dessert.

She has said like 5 words to me since getting on the phone and I hate this date but it was bitterly cold outside and if I go get my coat, she will see me leave because I will have to pass by her on my way out and I don't want her to get off the phone for my sake as she hasn't to this point.

Dessert comes... still on the phone...fuck phones.

She eats dessert... still on the phone... Alexander Graham Bell was a prick... fuck him too.

I get the check and sit waiting till she finally gets off the phone. I am just staring at her by this point thinking about how much I hate her friend and I hope she falls off the Eiffel tower and maybe Anya could fall with her...

She gets off the phone and I am beyond done with that night... if I had it in me to be an absolute prick, this would have been my shining moment.

I could not wait to get rid of her for the night, so I could calm down and go meet Chris at Golden Dolls. Unfortunately, for me. I am not a prick and am, somewhat, old school so as the pissed off gentleman that I was, I walk her home, tell her goodnight and shoot straight for the club to try to salvage some of my night... Ника (Nika) certainly helped make it better, I miss her too though she and I still talk.

I continued to see Anya during the trip, we had fun up to that date and I am rather forgiving, even with her trying to eat me. She was mostly enjoyable and very easy on the eyes in all manner of dress... or undress, as it were.

That miserable night prompted me to start asking questions before I will take a girl out and highest on that list is what do you do with your phone during a date.

I'll end up stabbing a motherfucker if I have to live through that bullshit again...

I was going to apologize to AGB's family but it turns out he really was kind of an asshole.

Never Seen Nobody Get They Ass Kicked by a Pork Chop

Imagine, if you will, a war-torn country.

25 December.

Christmas.

 Mosul, Iraq.

2005.

It is a cold day in Northern Iraq but it has been a good day. Everyone is singing and dancing and living it up. Not really, we are in Iraq, you dumbass, it's cold and kind of miserable. Well, it was still a little fun... and there may have been dancing... so, I guess I apologize for calling you a dumbass.

Fuck yo Couch!

Anyway, it is Christmas Day in Mosul and after our normal 12-hour shift, we decided to get together and have a barbecue. Everyone is kicked back with their non-alcoholic beer because for some reason some people actually just like the taste of beer. Freaks.

I just happened to get stuck on the same base as my brother, Chris, after he got some strings pulled and I was having a blast. This was my first time out of the states and even though there was the constant possibility of death, I was loving every minute and I miss my time there every day. I was finally out of Shawshank and in the big, wide, world I want to explore.

I was fairly new in-country so everything I had for personal items were recently bought. I didn't know anyone very well and though I make friends pretty easily, I was hanging out with Chris, who had volunteered to cook the pile of pork, chicken and beef we had surprisingly managed to buy at the PX.

Chris and I were bullshitting while he was cooking and I was opening packs of meat for him. All of a sudden, one of the icy packs of meat (which so happened to be Pork Ribs) started to slide out of my hand. having the cat-like reflexes that I do, for a tubby bastard, I lunged to catch it, and catch it I did!

With just reacting to the beautiful meat falling to a certainly horrific end upon the god awful Iraqi dirt, I had forgotten that in one of the two hands I was lunging with was holding my brand new knife. The knife that plunged through those glorious Pork Ribs and into the middle finger on my left hand.

Blood, oh boy did I bleed. I bled upon the tragically ruined Pork Ribs, I bled on the ground, I bled on my brother, I bled on me, the porch... pretty much anywhere that the blood pouring from my rapidly shaking hand could reach. I thought for a second I had just lost the tip of my finger, I bled so much. To this day, 11 years later, Chris has those boots, still spotted with my blood.

So as I bleed profusely on everything in my path, I make my way to the medic.

We tell the Medic what happened... he laughs... the Medic is a dick.

Finally, when those douchenozzles calmed down, they got around to cleaning my wound which looked much worse than it was. Those chuckleheads gave me three stitches in the side of my finger at the first knuckle.

So, in this whole process, though we are not working, we had to call safety. The safety lady was the funny, short, black woman with short hair and glasses. We tell her the story of what happened and after about a second to process it she says, " In all my years doing this job, I have never seen nobody get they ass kicked by a pork chop!"

The medic laughed... like I said, he is a dick... my brother laughed... he is a dick too.

From that day forward I have been Porkchop which has since mostly been shortened to Chop, which, honestly is much better than the name my hippy parents gave me.

I earned my name in a war zone, sure, I didn't do anything cool, or heroic... wait, no fuck that... the act of me trying to save that tasty piece of pork was a truly heroic act, especially for the part of the world I was in.

It was heroic, fuck you, call me Chop.

Always Carry a Towel.

Howdy,

I'm Chop.

I am 35 for another couple months, I am a Texan living in Missouri, USA and I am spinning up to do more traveling and adventuring and whatnot in the near future, so I thought I would get in on this whole newfangled blogging thing.

I currently own a gun shop (Patriot Gun & Outfitters) which does pretty well and a t-shirt company (MOAZ Tees) that doesn't. I also work for the Miller County Sheriff's Department as a dispatcher. My average day is about 16 hours between my shop and MCSD and sleep.

Prior to being back in Missouri I spent the last three years in and around Minot, North Dakota in the oilfields and before that I spent 4 years in Iraq as a contractor.

I have had a lifelong wanderlust which I blame on my mother. At an early age we would watch British Comedies and I spent my early years wanting to meet all these people and listen to their cool accents in real life.

I went to Iraq when I was 25 and it was the first time I had ever left the country. While I was there, I saw some pretty amazing things and met some of the best people I know.

Iraq afforded me another great thing... the ability to finally slake my need for travel and seeing the world. I came home more often than I wished, but I did get to see Russia, Amsterdam, Dubai, Thailand and The Philippines. While I was in North Dakota I also took a trip to Canada. Outside of a few stateside destinations, my favorite being Deadwood, South Dakota, I have not been able to travel much since 2009. I have decided to change that.

This blog will show my progress and the places I travel among anything else that interests me to talk about... which is a pretty extensive list.

I am always reading blogs and books about travel and looking up prices for living different places overseas and I. recently finished A Better Life for Half the Price: How to prosper on less money in the cheapest places to live by Tim Leffel which gave me lots of good information about various places around the world to live at for cheap. Information that I may relay in a later post.

I like cheap, cheap is my friend... I am a poor bastard after all.

I have talked to my brother, Chris about what I want to do and being the truly great person he is, he was on board with the decision to sell the shop so he could work on his projects and I could work on mine. He is no longer able to be there very often due to his schedule and my need to travel, I fear, is going to start causing my life to shorten if i don't hurry up and start doing what I believe I was always meant to do... not going all Genghis Khan and trying to the impregnate the world... yet... just seeing the world... for the moment, conquering comes with patience.

So, I am going to try my hand at long term travel. I plan on using the money I make from the shop as a cushion until I can line up some means to to make myself some funds at the first destination I plan on moving to for an unknown amount of time... (subject to change), The Philippines.

The Philippines have a lot of advantages outside of cost, which is pretty phenomenal...

A personal plus is the fact that my little brother Darwin and his family are from the Philippines and even though he is currently working in Dubai, UAE with his wife, I know that I can rely on the rest of the family for a little help if i need it.

The true reason that I have settled for the Philippines over Thailand, Bulgaria and several other places I have been looking at as my first stop is because I have also been talking to my brother R-Lo about moving his family there with me. He likes the sound of the cost of living too. I honestly don't think it will happen but I am hopeful. Even if it is after I go and pave the way for them to come there, I'd still be grateful to have him there, it has been too long since I saw him, his wife and my nephews.

It is hard to find anyone in the country without at least a basic understanding of English which is great for those who have no intention of learning any of the languages of the Philippines... or those who worry about traveling because they wont understand anyone... which is difficult to do these days.

There are 7,107 islands that make up the Philippines which means there is a TON of coastline (5th largest in the world) and a veritable shit-ton of things to do and see, all for cheap. The last time I was in the Philippines, I bribed the crew of the ferry we were taking from Cebu to Bohol to let my brother, his family and I drive the ferry... its dumb but it cost next to nothing and how many places in the world would even consider that.

Possibly the most famous part of the Philippines are the  throngs of short, tiny, gorgeous Filipinas who have a happy inclination to loving them some white guys or possibly foreign guys in general... but I'm honkey white so I have only experienced it one way... so suck it, you PC bastard. As a guy, if you are lonely, you can easily get taken in by this brown land of plenty and in some cases get taken. If you have a gut feeling that not everything is good then break it off. Filipinas are amazing girls and I hear all the time they are probably the best wives in the world but just be careful cause it is an odd thing getting so much attention after living in the states and not being Channing Tatum. It's easy to fall head over heels for the first person to treat you that way. I'm not saying that first person may not be the one for you... just saying, be careful... it is a completely different world than what you are used to if you have more than one experience with girls stateside.

I am currently reading The Grown-up's Guide to Running Away from Home: Making a New Life Abroad by Rosanne Knorr to see if I get any more tips on moving along with reading several blogs on moving, culture, night life and women. I have been looking through OLX for the prices of apartments and houses in different areas, not that I will pay for one online but the pricing is a good baseline for the first week or so when I have boots on ground to be able to actually see these places.

There are a few amenities I am looking for in a place and the only reason some of these make it to the list is because I have seen several places without 1 or all of them.
1. Good Internet... I have to make money somehow
2. Air Conditioning... I am not built for heat or humidity, rather... I know this sounds dumb as I am moving to a hot/humid country... I don't mind heat too much if I am doing something enjoyable... but if I am sitting in my house writing on this thing or working... or even worse, sleeping... i don't want to be sweating my danglies off.
3. A stove, I want to live in the Philippines like a local and not like a tourist, I plan to cook... and though I don't do it often, i like to cook.
4. A refrigerator... I don't care if i go to the market daily and never put food in the fridge... i may need it for all my orange soda and sweet tea during my online endeavors... I will find a use.
5. Washer for clothes... I know there is probably a local lady i could pay to do it but depending on how much that is, i would be better off doing it myself... a dryer would be superb too.

I guess that is it... this is who I am and my plan to work towards in the near future. I will post when new things develop or something new interests me enough to write about.

-Chop

I hope you enjoy the links, i do not agree with 100% of everything I linked to but I do understand where they are coming from. Please tell me what you think.